The Loveliest Time of the Year
by twitchbell
Summary: Amy finds out more than she bargained for about the complex love life of River and the Doctor.


'One last toast to Christmas with the family.' Rory raised a glass of wine. Amy and River followed suit, and they all clinked their glasses against the Doctor's teacup. Amy had refused to give him wine on the grounds that he'd only spit it out and the carpet was new, thank you very much.

'One minute past midnight. So officially Boxing Day.' The Doctor stared down at the dregs of his tea and put his cup on the table. He straightened his shoulders. 'Well, I suppose I ought to be going. You know. Places to see, people to –'

'Oh, shut up!' Amy threw a cushion. The Doctor flailed his arms and totally failed to deflect it from hitting him square on the head.

'Nice shot, mother,' River Song said approvingly from where she was curled up in the armchair, a sprig of mistletoe tucked into her hair. Amy sketched a little bow.

'Nobody is going anywhere,' Rory said with just a touch of Lone Centurion forcefulness. 'For one night, just one night, we are all going to be a family and stay safe and sound in our beds under the same roof like ordinary people.'

'But I'm not ordinary people!' The Doctor tossed the cushion from one hand to another, looking unbearably smug. 'And I don't need to waste a third of my life sleeping, either.'

'And who said you'd be _sleeping_ in the bed, sweetie?' River purred, prodding him with a scarlet-tipped toe.

'_River_!' The Doctor pulled a horrified face and gesticulated at Amy and Rory with the cushion. 'Parents! Right there! Innuendo – not good.'

'Innuendo – not needed,' Amy said impatiently. 'You're married – in an alternative timey-wimey sort of way that totally counts if you want it to. You're married and you shag. Have shagged. Will shag. Whatever. There's no need to go beating round the bush.' She fixed her daughter with a stern look. 'And no, that was _not_ innuendo.'

'Whatever you say, mother.' River smiled demurely.

Rory cleared his throat. 'River, Doctor – we have a spare room. With a double bed. For guests. You're both staying in that room and we are all having breakfast together. Understood?'

When the Doctor looked like he was thinking of arguing, Amy gave him her hardest stare. 'One night,' she said. 'You're staying.'

'As you wish,' the Doctor said meekly. 'Only –'

'What?' Amy snapped.

'Have you got a chess set?'

Rory rooted out his old school chess set and gave it to the Doctor, who bore it away in triumph to the bedroom. Then Rory went off downstairs for his nightly ritual of making sure everything was locked up and switched off. Amy took this opportunity to present River with a slightly late Christmas present – a slinky red satin nightdress. River was suitably appreciative and hurried off to the bathroom to change into it. When she returned, she was running her hands down the silky material with a big smile.

'This is gorgeously festive, isn't it?'

'Yes, it is.' Amy folded her arms and stared at River. 'Okay. Serious mother-daughter stuff. Bed side cabinet. Left-hand side. Top drawer. Condoms. I am too young to be a granny. Got that?'

'Got it,' River said, her eyes bright with amusement.

'Rory's a nurse and he's your father. He thinks about these things.'

'That's so _him_, isn't it? Actually, I have a contraceptive implant and a broad spectrum vaccination for sexually transmitted diseases, but do thank him for me.'

'So you think about these things, too,' Amy said, approvingly. 'Quite clearly, you are your father's daughter.'

The Doctor opened the bedroom door and smiled happily at Amy and River. He'd ditched the tweed but still looked appallingly over-dressed for a night of passion. 'The chess set is up and ready for action.'

'Well, I'm glad something is,' Amy said without thinking.

The Doctor's smile went a little glassy and he ducked back into the bedroom.

'Oops,' Amy said. 'Sorry, River. But... you're going to play chess. _Chess_!'

'Well, not _all_ night. Just as a warm up. We need to sort out exactly who'll be calling the shots and what sort of –'

'Whoa!' Amy raised her hands. 'Wait, back up!'

'Who wins the game determines who calls the shots in the bedroom,' River spelt out. 'We often don't quite know what we're in the mood for until we start to play. And then, well, it can go off in all sorts of interesting directions. As for tonight...' River lowered her voice, speaking quickly and confidingly. 'Well, he never said a word just now about my nice new nightdress. So I'm going to play him like a woman possessed, and I think he'll submit quite quickly once he knows I want to punish him for being a bad, bad boy.'

'He likes that, does he?' Amy knew she shouldn't ask, but the question just kind of popped out before she could stop it.

'Subbing? Oh yes. And he's a pretty wicked dom, too, when the mood takes us. We like to switch, you see. Keeps it fresh.'

'Oh God,' said Amy faintly. 'Um. Look. Whatever you get up to, could you just keep it quiet? Because Rory might get the wrong idea and –'

'Good point. Don't worry. I'll pop the gag on him before I start with the spanking. Too much information? Oops, sorry.' Being River Song, she didn't look sorry at all.

Amy stared at her sternly. 'No more details, okay? Just go and do your thing. Whatever your thing turns out to be.'

'River!' The Doctor's voice sounded faintly petulant. 'I'm bored! Are you coming?'

'I will be very soon, sweetie,' River called back and gave Amy a broad wink.

Amy sighed. 'You're impossible.'

'Of course I am. I'm your daughter.' River was entirely unrepentant.

Rory was heading back up the stairs. Amy socked River lightly on the arm. 'Shut up! Just get in that bedroom and don't do anything I wouldn't do.'

River arched one eyebrow. 'Does that mean the sky's the limit?'

Rory arrived on the landing in time to hear this last exchange. A small smile played around his lips as he looked from Amy to River. 'That,' he told his daughter, with the straightest of straight faces, 'is for us to know and you to never find out.'

~end~


End file.
